Or is it depression can be depressing?
How about, depression is depressing?
I want to believe the first one. In fact, I have been struggling with this for the past few days. Why am I so negative? Why am I seeing the bad, not the good, the challenge, not the reward? This whole idea is beginning to sound like a commercial.
I have been exploring my attitude a lot recently.
Scrolling back through my last 10 blog post headlines, 5 are negative, 4 ½ are positive and ½ is sad and gloomy. Going back to the 10 posts before this, 3 were depressing, 3 positive, and 4 more informational, kind of “here’s what I found and how I am using it.”
READ MORE: You won’t believe what I wrote to myself
Nine out of the next ten posts counting backward are depressing. Nine out of 10.
Even the post sharing Naomi Judd’s battle with depression and her positive outcome was not as positive as I thought it was when I wrote it.
The next 10 reveal a similar pattern, my posts are more depressing than inspirational.
This was pointed out to me thanks to the software program Grammarly. For each post, it shares with me it’s thoughts on the tone or my writing. Writing “A new month – A new attitude” Grammarly pointed out that what I had written was very sad. Feeling it must be a mistake, I added a part two for the post, to justify part 1.
This backfired because Grammarly now thought what I wrote was sad and gloomy. Gloomy.
That is really what this is all about. How am I framing my days? Writing about a new month, I was writing about the positive outlook I was working on. I was saying how I am taking control of my attitude towards events because, in the end, that is all I can control.
But even that wasn’t as positive as I felt it was when I wrote it.
I’m still having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. You are probably getting tired of hearing me say that. I know I am. And yet, the limited actions I have taken have not corrected the problem and I have not re-stated the problem to my Psychiatrist.
I worked until 11:30 PM last night and arrived home at 1 AM.
By the time I checked my mail, I had a small bite to eat and relaxed a little, it was after 2 AM before I went to bed. I was to get up at 7:30 AM for a therapist appointment. It was there I was going to discuss my issue of getting going in the morning.
Well, guess what, I never set my alarm.
I didn’t get up for the appointment and didn’t even remember I had missed it until I finally got out of bed at 9:37 AM. I had slept through the appointment. Yesterday morning, I had marked a big circle on the calendar and left it in the middle of my desk so I would see it last night.
When I went into my home office after I got home, I never saw the reminder I had set for myself.
It wasn’t until I was fighting with myself about getting out of bed that I saw what time it was and suddenly I remembered the 8:30 AM Therapy appointment. I pause here and drink a sip of coffee because I am not sure what to say about this.
I have also been neglecting my Peer Support Meetings.
READ MORE: How I found out Super Heros are real
They are a safe, no-judgment zone place, where I am comfortable and feel valued for just being me. Yet for the past three weeks, I have only been to one meeting. I had opportunities to attend two others but made excuses not to go.
Yesterday driving to work, I was envisioning a lighter side of depression.
Today, I am feeling the work of depression crowding my head, attempting to push out the positive steps I am taking. It is holding me, hostage, in my own bed, daring me to get up and try to accomplish anything. Depression is still so jealous of the new life I am creating. It will do anything it can to stop me.
After I spell check this, I will see what Grammarly thinks of my attitude.
I am off from my day job today. First, it was my therapy appointment. But now that I have missed that, the next order of business is helping move some furniture. Then back home for a late day family meeting. These have been extremely helpful.
So, in my head, I have started out behind, but I am going to keep moving and make the most of the rest of the day.
Progress, not perfection.
My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.
Last year, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.