I tried to call my doctor first, but I procrastinated, and then they were closed.
Then I remembered I could get a message to my Doctor using My Charts. In our area, at least, all the doctors’ offices are going to this electronic communication system. I can see upcoming appointments, test results and even notes from my doctor’s visits. I assumed I would get a response by the next day.
When this didn’t happen, I took matters into my own hands.
This was certainly not the way I should have approached my situation. But I was beginning to go down the rabbit hole and my anxiety was mounting an assault. Let me slow down a minute and explain myself. My stress levels have been increasing for about three weeks. And it was coming to a head as this week ended.
Frustrated, agitated, and short with others, I knew I needed to do something.
For almost a week I had been thinking I needed to speak with my Doctor. Little things were making me crazy. Little things were not rolling off my back but were gouging gigantic holes in my self-esteem and self-worth. There was no joy in Mudville, the mighty Casey had struck out.
I have not set up a new appointment with my therapist, so waiting to speak with her about how I was feeling was not going to happen.
And I had jumped at the chance not to meet with her last week because of a change in scheduling at work. I could have said no, but I quickly switched. Then I called and left a message for my therapist that I was not going to be able to make our next day appointment. I told her I would call back with my availability for the following week. She is working me in around my schedule and her other clients.
But with my depression, it seems like I am an afterthought to her.
I’m sure this is not the case, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. So, by Friday morning, three weeks of uncomfortable was more than I could take. I needed help and had failed in my clumsy attempts to ask for a hand. Depression and I had, once again, worked it out so I was alone, and I was backing myself into a corner.
But I did have one or two things working for me, I just needed to remember them.
First, in my visits with my Doctor, she had mentioned more than once that 150mg of Wellbutrin XL was at the bottom of the allowable amounts. So, I knew 300mg was not an overdose. And not that I didn’t believe my doctor, but I also Googled Wellbutrin and read about dosage levels and possible side effects. There was nothing in that information contradicting what she had told me.
So, Friday morning, when I got up, I took two tablets of 300 mg of Wellbutrin XL, twice my prescribed dose.
Within 30 minutes, I was feeling a bit warmer and had a twinge of nausea. But both of those quickly subsided. As the morning progressed, I felt calmer and more in control. My stress levels and anxiety quieted, and I felt better able to focus on tasks. And the little things that had driven me up the wall just 24 hours ago, were once again no big deal.
Commuting to my day job, I was still feeling much more balanced.
Work on Friday had its moments but was much more tolerable and almost enjoyable again. With the pandemic and the health concerns over COVID 19, enforcing proper mask wearing is a daily occurrence. And this can reveal a person’s true character, which may not be pretty. But, once again, I was not taking it personally.
Verbal assaults on Friday were not chipping away at my self-worth or self-esteem.
I was once again able to calm, or at least not escalate, these conversations and then move forward to the next activity. After three weeks of stress and anxiety over every little thing, I was happy to be “back.” There was and is a lightness about me that I am appreciating.
For the record, I only took the higher dose once and that was on Friday.
Saturday I was back to the prescribed 150mg dose. I had some concerns about how my body would react to that, but there were no issues physically. To me, Saturday was an extension of Friday. My mood had changed, I was even more focused at work, and my body was lighter.
One interesting note, I slept almost 7 hours Friday night into Saturday morning.
I cannot remember a time in the past few years where this has happened. Usually, I wake up 2 to 4 hours into my night’s sleep. I was confused Saturday morning because there was already light sneaking around the edges of our bedroom blackout curtains. I had expected it to be 3 AM, and it was after 7 AM.
Since I have said this out loud, that I took a one-time double dose of my Wellbutrin XL, I will be sharing that with my Doctor.
My next follow up visit for medication management is this coming Thursday at 9 AM. You can be sure I will let her know right away about my self-medicating. I will be open to her feedback and any recommendations about how to handle this going forward. Also, in my email to her, I wrote out what I was feeling, and asked that we review this when we meet.
Maybe I wrote this to CYA, cover-my-a*%, or I just want to be as transparent as possible.
Either way, I expect to hear and then follow the course of treatment we agree to. While I do not want to be trouble, I do want to be my own advocate for myself. I continue to work towards leading a balanced life with depression.
After all, I have depression, depression does not have me.
My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.
Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn.
If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share.
I very much appreciate your comments. I learn from them and respond to everyone.