• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • About
  • Mental Health Resources
    • Depression Resources
  • Blog
    • Coping
    • Medication
    • Self Care
    • Stress and Anxiety
    • Unhelpful thinking
      • Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda
      • Fortune-Telling
      • Guilt and Shame
      • Time Travel
    • Sleep Issues
    • Depression
    • Covid19
    • Suicide & Self-Harm
    • Wellness Tools
      • SMART – Self Management And Recovery Training
      • WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan)
      • Change Triangle
  • Contact

THE HOME OF COPING STATEMENTS FOR DEPRESSION

PureFormulas.com-Pure Healthy Goodness, Highest-Grade Natural Supplements! Fast, Free Shipping!
You are here: Home / Unhelpful thinking / Why am I still obsessing over this?

Why am I still obsessing over this?

June 10, 2019 by Depression Is Not My Boss Leave a Comment

iStock_000011126842Medium

It’s done, I did not take the job.

But I’m still rolling the decision over and over in my head. Am I sure I thought about it in the right way? Isn’t it possible it could have been good for me? Maybe it was running towards the future, not running away from the present.

I am so mad.

I really wanted to get going with a job outside of the house. My home-based business is still going along. Now that I am focusing on it again, I am getting new clients. And if I were to focus on it just a little harder, I would be busier than I’d know what to do.

So why am I still looking longingly at this outside job?

What is making this so attractive? Forbidden fruit? Is it because I decided not to take the job that the job now seems so attractive? Is it me telling myself how much fun it would have been? Or how much I could have contributed to the organization. Or how, as the General Manager, I would have felt that “I was enough.”

I need to understand that depression may be trying to win me back.

Why am I having such a problem with this decision? It was clear yesterday as I wrote out my thoughts, that “un-retiring” was a way to feel complete. I would be the General Manager, a role I am completely comfortable with. Not “just me,” alone, by myself, with nothing to show for myself. “Just me” without a title is uncomfortable for me.

The grass is so much greener on the depression side of the fence.

At least, that is how it feels. How can I be enough just by myself? I am getting the feeling that this is what people see I need to focus on. I do not feel I am enough unless it is in conjunction with something I am doing.

Catching myself using unhelpful thinking styles have been easier than facing my own estimation of my value. Once again, I feel I am doing the easy, not the difficult. It is easy for me to focus on learning skills, learning self-care, learning anything.

Then I don’t have to feel.

When is enough, enough? The head Psychiatrist asked me that when I was in the hospital. I was talking about the certifications I have received and that I am always looking to learn more. He pointed out that it might be an escape.

He asked, “when is it enough?” It hit me that I do things to justify to myself that I am enough. Without these letters behind my name, I am not really anybody.

If I just get this next title, this next certification, then I will be somebody.  

Having a job title, a role I can play, give me self-esteem. I am very good in the role of General Manager. I feel I have value and I am worth every penny I am paid by the companies I have worked for. That is where the green grass is. Looking over the fence and seeing just me, standing there all by myself without any titles, I do not see the value as clearly.

That is why I am not running away and taking this position.

I am not taking the easy way out. I’m not jumping the fence over to what looks like the greener side. That has been my coping mechanism in the past. Find an easy way back, that doesn’t involve facing what has happened to me. I sweep the evidence under the rug, head over to greener pasture and hope I never have to do that again.

Of course, that has only set the stage for the next run in with depression. And each episode where I avoid facing what has happened makes it easier not to face myself the next time. Which is how I finally ended up in the hospital, when I could no longer see myself jumping the fence and hiding in the same grass as before.

Something must change.

My getting out from under depression’s grip involves facing myself. “Being enough.” That is the issue I am now going to address. In order to have a different outcome this time as I climb out of the depths of depression, I must do something I have avoided.

Depression has tried very hard to keep me from doing this. It has made the grass look very green on the other side. It has helped me find an escape, a way to justify my value without having to do the work to face myself.

Depression says, “just hop over the fence.” The grass is so much greener over here. And you won’t have to face yourself. It will be fine.”

I cannot go back to the bottom.

I have been there too many times. So, I have not taken the easy route. I have not accepted the position of General Manager. I have not allowed myself to be ok with that title, but not ok with just being me. I’m going to do the work to see why I don’t think I am enough when it is just me. That is scary. That feels like it is going to be hard.

I am still looking longingly at the greener side of the yard.

I know facing myself and understanding how I can be enough is important work. Knowing that other people have done this makes me feel I, too, can do it. So, off I go, not to a day job, but to understand myself.

Your comments are welcomed as I continue my journey.

Filed Under: Unhelpful thinking Tagged With: anxiety, anxiety treatment, concern, concerns, depression, despair, General manager, grief, I'm enough, job, life, lifestyle, mental health, self care, worries

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

I write My Concealed Depression to create Mental Health AwarenessHello, I am Joel. I have Major Depressive Disorder. Join my journey as I explore my 40+ years of living with high-functioning depression.

I have a certification in  SMART Recovery and I’m a Global Career Development Facilitator.

Join our mailing list

We're giving away our 38 Page Mental Health Tools Flipbook

Privacy Policy

Discover Self-Care, Coping Strategies, Understand Anxiety, Track your Triggers, Mood, and Sleep; Recap Therapy Sessions, and more. Subscribe and Get Your Free Copy Now.

https://www.myconcealeddepression.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/my-concealed-depression-intro.mp4
  • Email
  • Facebook

More to See

The startling truth about coping statements for anxiety and depression

The Startling Truth About Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 28, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

My 101 Coping Strategies for Anxiety

My 101 Best Coping Statements For Anxiety and Depression

October 18, 2020 By Depression Is Not My Boss

Everything is the same now that I am back from visiting my grandson so I need to adjust my attitude

It Just Feels Like More of The Same

June 13, 2022 By Depression Is Not My Boss

With my high-functioning depression I am not motivated to pick the ripe strawberries in my garden

Why Can’t I Pick Strawberries With My High-Functioning Depression?

June 4, 2022 By Depression Is Not My Boss

You Never Pay More, Yet Clicking These Links And Making a Purchase Helps Fund My Blog

Mosaic 250x250
PureFormulas.com-Pure Healthy Goodness, Highest-Grade Natural Supplements! Fast, Free Shipping!
Blog Meets Brand
Your Page Title

Footer

Contact

Email:  my.concealed.depression@gmail.com

  • Email
  • Facebook

Privacy Policy

Recent

  • It’s a Fact There Are Only 188 More Shopping Days Until Christmas
  • Depression Never Told Me It’s Not All About Me
  • It Just Feels Like More of The Same
  • Why Can’t I Pick Strawberries With My High-Functioning Depression?
  • Memorial Day Holiday Is Over, Now What?

Search

© Copyright 2020 · My Concealed Depression · All Rights Reserved · Designed by The Marketing Momma