It’s done, I did not take the job.
But I’m still rolling the decision over and over in my head. Am I sure I thought about it in the right way? Isn’t it possible it could have been good for me? Maybe it was running towards the future, not running away from the present.
I am so mad.
I really wanted to get going with a job outside of the house. My home-based business is still going along. Now that I am focusing on it again, I am getting new clients. And if I were to focus on it just a little harder, I would be busier than I’d know what to do.
So why am I still looking longingly at this outside job?
What is making this so attractive? Forbidden fruit? Is it because I decided not to take the job that the job now seems so attractive? Is it me telling myself how much fun it would have been? Or how much I could have contributed to the organization. Or how, as the General Manager, I would have felt that “I was enough.”
I need to understand that depression may be trying to win me back.
Why am I having such a problem with this decision? It was clear yesterday as I wrote out my thoughts, that “un-retiring” was a way to feel complete. I would be the General Manager, a role I am completely comfortable with. Not “just me,” alone, by myself, with nothing to show for myself. “Just me” without a title is uncomfortable for me.
The grass is so much greener on the depression side of the fence.
At least, that is how it feels. How can I be enough just by myself? I am getting the feeling that this is what people see I need to focus on. I do not feel I am enough unless it is in conjunction with something I am doing.
Catching myself using unhelpful thinking styles have been easier than facing my own estimation of my value. Once again, I feel I am doing the easy, not the difficult. It is easy for me to focus on learning skills, learning self-care, learning anything.
Then I don’t have to feel.
When is enough, enough? The head Psychiatrist asked me that when I was in the hospital. I was talking about the certifications I have received and that I am always looking to learn more. He pointed out that it might be an escape.
He asked, “when is it enough?” It hit me that I do things to justify to myself that I am enough. Without these letters behind my name, I am not really anybody.
If I just get this next title, this next certification, then I will be somebody.
Having a job title, a role I can play, give me self-esteem. I am very good in the role of General Manager. I feel I have value and I am worth every penny I am paid by the companies I have worked for. That is where the green grass is. Looking over the fence and seeing just me, standing there all by myself without any titles, I do not see the value as clearly.
That is why I am not running away and taking this position.
I am not taking the easy way out. I’m not jumping the fence over to what looks like the greener side. That has been my coping mechanism in the past. Find an easy way back, that doesn’t involve facing what has happened to me. I sweep the evidence under the rug, head over to greener pasture and hope I never have to do that again.
Of course, that has only set the stage for the next run in with depression. And each episode where I avoid facing what has happened makes it easier not to face myself the next time. Which is how I finally ended up in the hospital, when I could no longer see myself jumping the fence and hiding in the same grass as before.
Something must change.
My getting out from under depression’s grip involves facing myself. “Being enough.” That is the issue I am now going to address. In order to have a different outcome this time as I climb out of the depths of depression, I must do something I have avoided.
Depression has tried very hard to keep me from doing this. It has made the grass look very green on the other side. It has helped me find an escape, a way to justify my value without having to do the work to face myself.
Depression says, “just hop over the fence.” The grass is so much greener over here. And you won’t have to face yourself. It will be fine.”
I cannot go back to the bottom.
I have been there too many times. So, I have not taken the easy route. I have not accepted the position of General Manager. I have not allowed myself to be ok with that title, but not ok with just being me. I’m going to do the work to see why I don’t think I am enough when it is just me. That is scary. That feels like it is going to be hard.
I am still looking longingly at the greener side of the yard.
I know facing myself and understanding how I can be enough is important work. Knowing that other people have done this makes me feel I, too, can do it. So, off I go, not to a day job, but to understand myself.
Your comments are welcomed as I continue my journey.
