Once again, I woke up and I got up.
No drama, no negotiating with myself about whether to get up or stay in bed a little longer. You don’t know how relieved I am to skip the anxiety and worry about something as simple as getting out of bed. Lately, I can either roll over and grab a few more winks or get up. Now, the bartering and indecision are gone.
Is it too early to say that the change in my medication has made the difference?
Going from 30 Mg. of Prozac to 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL, with a 20 mg Prozac chaser has changed my relationship with getting up and getting the day started. Five days into the change, I was already seeing a difference. Knowing that the full impact of the switch can take 30 to 45 days, I was wondering if I was just having a placebo effect. Am I projecting my wish that I could get out of bed without a mental struggle onto the new medication?
But now I am into week three and the change is becoming more consistent.
Expending all that energy on whether to get out of bed was exhausting. By the time I would finally get out of bed, I was ready for a nap. The first hours awake, I wandered around in a fog, not able to focus or clearly see what the day was going to be. This morning, I skipped the stress about getting up, and I just got up.
I am angry that my struggle to get out of bed lasted for nearly eight months.
EIGHT MONTHS of my life dragging myself out of bed after stressing about getting up. And then pushing through the fog to get some sort of focus for the day. I tell myself that eight months is an afternoon, compared to the 43+ years I have had MDD. But that doesn’t make me feel better. I was alerting the media, telling doctors, therapists, and my Peer Advocate that something wasn’t right.
Not advocating for myself, strongly enough, meant I had to endure this morning wake up performance almost every single day for eight months. Let’s see, eight times 30 equals 240. So, I spent 240 days trying to get someone to listen to me. I needed help to resolve my waking up issue.
Thinking back, my morning wake up issue began about the same time we changed my Prozac dosage from 20 to 40 mg.
By January, I felt certain this change was why I couldn’t wake up in the morning. But when my Psychiatrist said, “you may just need the rest,” I backed off. I did not press him, and reverted to my concealed depression mode, making light of whatever we discussed after that. In my defense, I did call him back three days later and was noticeably clear about how I was feeling.
This precipitated me reducing the Prozac to 30 mg.
By the time April arrived, my Psychiatrist was having me hold the course. Getting out of bed was still an ordeal. Reducing the medication had not significantly changed my ability to start the day clearly. I was still needing several hours to clear the cobwebs. Then I was able to focus on what I wanted to do that day.
Wanting to reduce my costs, I found a Psychiatrist within my network and they’re covering my visits at 100%.
For my previous Psychiatrist, I was paying 100% out of pocket. And because my new Psychiatrist is part of a teaching hospital, I have two Doctors to discuss my issues with. Together, we came up with my current plan. I am eternally grateful for this new start in my life with major depressive disorder. With their input, I know I am on the way to living a balanced life with depression.
Today we are hosting a virtual baby shower for my son and his wife.
Family from all over the globe will be meeting online to celebrate our soon to be grandchild. The pandemic changed the venue to a virtual one but didn’t dampen the excitement of sharing the day with family. Adding to this excitement, my morning started by waking up and getting up. No fog, no struggle, just waking up and getting up.
My fingers crossed; I am heading into the day with anticipation.
My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.
Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn. If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share.
I very much appreciate your comments.