My dog has a twenty-foot leash we attached to one of the front porch posts.
This gives her access to a wide area of grass as we sit on the porch. And it keeps her from heading out over the mountain (which is where she got shot two years ago). She enjoys her time with us as we sit in the sun and watch birds at the feeders.
But inevitably, she will wander up onto the porch and wrap her leash around a second porch post or the two planters in the middle of the porch. The next thing she knows, she is stuck and cannot go any further. Today I am feeling stuck on that same leash, all wrapped up around physical barriers.
This is bringing out “what’s the point?”
The more I move and work towards a balanced life with depression, the more tangled I m feeling. This journey is for the rest of my life, I get that. And this feeling is only one of many I have experienced since being hospitalized for major depressive disorder last year.
But here I am doing the same thing every day for the past month while expecting a different result.
Now that’s unhelpful thinking. Recognizing that this is happening is only the first step towards a better relationship with myself. And I understand that not every day will be unicorns and rainbows. None the less, I am still disappointed that I have been stuck since November in a holding pattern that has stopped almost all forward movement.
In spite of this, since November I have taken and completed three different levels of SMART Facilitator training.
The final “test” is attending two on-line sessions and participating. While the selection of times is limited, I should be able to attend the two in the next few weeks. From there I want to learn more about the WRAP program. Having a personal wellness recovery action plan has been a key to my not backsliding as I experience what looks to me like a relapse into depression.
So the bottom line is I am back to a pattern I developed with depression long ago, called “JUST ONE MORE.”
Just one more class on depression and I will be fine. Just one more session with my therapist and I will know what I need to do. All I need is one more book on coping with depression. If I just had one more article, one more worksheet, I would be fine.
Wow, no wonder I am feeling that there is no point.
There is much evidence that I do not always do this. Yet that is what I focus on. I minimize any success and catastrophize anything that is an obstacle or a challenge to what I want to accomplish. This focus leaves me feeling like there is no point and I am just “punching the clock of life.”
I have lived too long in this manner, 43+years that I can recognize. Heck, this probably goes back to my youth. And yet I still am under depression’s spell at times and have yet to fully understand what I need to do to manage this and live a balanced life.
So, until I figure this out and the wind starts to fill my sails, I am stuck in the doldrums. My boat is just drifting, bobbing around at the whim of the water, with no forward progress. I understand this feeling, having lived on a sailboat for a year. I know a lot about doldrums.
Well, I’ve got to get up and untangle my dog’s leash.
What a mess, she has it wrapped around both planters, a porch post and is trying to head to the bird feeders. She has short-sheeted the line and cannot get there.