That would be a step up from where I am right now.
The harder I work on my recovery, the further behind I feel. Now part of this may be the time of year.
I know about S.A.D. and what happens when you do not get enough sunlight. This could certainly be a factor in how I feel.
But why is it, particularly when I am taking the SMART Training classes and learning so many new skills, that I am feeling lower than I have in months?
My Psychiatrist and I worked on the problem and eventually raised my daily dose of Prozac from 20 mg. to 40 mg. After five days, I had a day where I felt like my old self. Then, within a day or two, I settled back into the doldrums, drifting with the tides, but not finding any wind to set a course towards a balanced life.
This is what I found online about Sad vs. Depression
Depression and being sad are not the same thing
Depression and sadness mean two different things. Sadness is a normal emotion and if something bad was to happen then you may feel sad, but that sadness will lift after a few days. However, depression is a persistent sadness – it can last for weeks, months or even years. It can affect you in various ways such as changing your personality, interests and the way you see the future.
Here I am, with a persistent sadness that has lasted weeks (this time).
And it doesn’t show signs of letting up even though I am working harder than ever to change my attitude towards events. But the underlying effects of this long-term depression is changing my personality and robbing me of being in the moment.
Depression has made my interest in maintaining and being out in the yard a struggle to even think about.
Getting outside, mowing the grass or collecting leaves from our 5 acres has been a huge part of my self-care. But recently, I have had trouble even thinking about that, let alone actually going down to the lawnmower shed, opening the doors, checking that the left front tractor tire has enough air in it, clearing the push mower from in front of the tractor, and then starting the tractor and driving it out of the shed.
This ambivalence has crept into other interests I used to enjoy.
I haven’t played a round of golf in several years. Heck, as a teenager, I remember getting to Deer Run Golf course at daybreak. For $2, I could walk the course and play 18 holes. Back in those days, the staff knew me and, if I was respectful of foursomes, I could keep playing after I had completed my initial 18 holes. I know of several occasions where I was able to play 54 holes before it got too dark to see where the ball was landing. Now I don’t even use the bucket of balls I have to practice chipping.
And then there is the way I see the future.
My future is uncertain, and the end is always near. Those song lyrics just popped into my head. What I am thinking about is I am not thinking about the future. Now that may be a good thing because I am living more in the moment. But being in the Action stage of recovery, I would expect to have clearer goals.
I do not think of myself as SAD.
I do not think of myself as anything right now. Being a work in progress, my job is to put one foot in front of the other and to keep moving, even if the progress is slower than I would like or even expect.
Watching the SMART Training video on Advanced Meetings, the instructor was talking about the stages of change.
He suggested that the action phase could last a year. The tools you need in the summer, may not be the tools you need in the depths of winter.
As I work through my first year, I can attest to the fact that things change, new challenges present themselves, and the life I am living today is not the same one I was living two months ago. This could and should give me hope.
With sadness, there is an expiration date, so I’d choose sadness, a normal emotion, any day over depression, with its lifetime supply of persistent, never-ending sadness.