Doing the drugs, lately, I have been hoping that the “hard to get started in the morning feeling” will go away.
I know when that hard to get started in the morning feeling is back, something is amiss. One or two days is not the end of the world. I had one day several weeks ago, but I know I had done quite a bit of work around the property. And the daytime temperature was near 94 degrees. Plus, most of the hardest work occurred near noon when the heat was at its peak. So I slept in the next morning.
The past few hard to get started in the mornings make me think this is a warning sign.
Pulling out my Wellness Recovery Action Plan, I can see that while I am not circling the drain, I have work to do. Identifying things, I can do to get my mind and body back on track, I find my well stocked list. Last summer, at On Our Own, I took six weeks of WRAP, where I went through the stages of wellness. These classes gave me wonderful insights I have used to identify how close I am to the abyss.
Since my medicine was adjusted in April, I have been nowhere near the abyss.
And while I may have taken a lap or two around the drain, I do not live next door to it anymore. I am still aware that it exists and that further down the street is the abyss. And while I never want to visit that neighborhood again, I know it is possible. But using the tools I have collected over the past 15 months; I can quickly identify when things are not right.
OK, so sometimes it is not QUICKLY, but I do see what is going on before I am up against the wall.
One thing that will help is to go back to limiting my time watching current news. And trying to second guess COVID 19 and when some sort of normal will evolve. Each time it appears we are getting close; a new wrinkle appears. And with each day’s headlines, my anxiety cranks up a notch.
Plus, I think people are plain getting tired of masks and social distancing.
Feeling trapped in our homes, it is easy to either give up hope, or begin to lash out at others. If I pulled out my change triangle, I might see these are defending actions designed to thwart our experiencing of core emotions. Some people find it easier to blame others for their circumstances, than too accept responsibility. Getting fired up about something they cannot do anything about gives them the chance to be the victim.
But when they recognize that while they cannot control the event happening, they can control their attitude towards it.
I have been working on my attitude towards my hard to get started in the morning feeling. But I know that it may be the drugs I need to address. I’m glad I can call my Psychiatrist and let her know what I am feeling. Having a professional look at my situation from their perspective will give me a better chance of resolving this quickly.
Life is not a straight line, even for those who do not have major depressive disorder.
So, I am trying to be mindful of my hard to get started in the morning feelings, without obsessing over them. However, feeling that I need to write about them makes me think I need to crank it up a notch and phone a friend. Getting a trusted friend’s opinion is one of the Unhelpful Thinking Style tools. Depression hates it when I speak to others. It wants me to keep secrets and never talk to any one about my feelings, emotions or even my defending actions. Depression says silence is golden.
READ: Get up! Get up! Get up!
But since my hospital stay last year, I have worked hard to keep things in the open.
So, I am talking about my hard to get started in the morning feelings. And I am limiting my time with triggers that can catapult me into the abyss. I am still working extremely hard to lead a balanced life with depression. Seeing one side of the scale tipping, I have learned I can do something about it before I am up against the wall.
So, hello doctor. I need to tell you how I am feeling.
My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.
Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn.
If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share.
I very much appreciate your comments. I learn from them and respond to everyone.