I’m gauging my own self-worth, my own self-esteem. I am trying to answer the question that has been burning inside me for over forty years. Am I enough? It turns out that the question isn’t even a straightforward question. It’s conditional, with a lot of but’s and what-ifs? It turns out you must decide what lens you are looking through before you even begin to consider the … [Read more...] about What lens am I looking at myself through?
Silence was my only friend while driving. It wasn’t always like that. I remember buying a power booster for a Dodge Ram Charger I owned. I mounted two speakers in frames on either side of the back seat. I had an 8-track and a stereo cassette player mounted under the dash. I loved to roll the windows down and sing as I drove. So how have I ended up driving silently? At one … [Read more...] about I stopped playing music when I’m driving
I said I would not take the job. Of course, that was before the interview. That was before I spent an hour answering questions from seven board members. That was before I realized how much fun I was having. When I left the interview, it seemed like they wanted me. But you never know about these things. I had asked when they would be making their decision. I was told they would … [Read more...] about Am I running away again if I take this job?
I don’t want to jinx it. As I build my life with the depression, I know the path is not straight. Yet for most of this past week, I have felt human. I have felt almost in control. I have felt a lot like me. That is exciting and frightening at the same time. I know that in the past I have had days, months, even years without any visible signs of depression. There have been day … [Read more...] about Is normalcy my new normal?
Depression is not my Boss – Day 1 This morning I videotaped my thoughts about beginning this new journey. I look pretty rough in the video, but it is me, this morning. And as I write this, I am already having to deal with depression. As I face my life and what’s next, my first thoughts were “I am all alone and I must figure this out by myself.” This makes me feel afraid. Then … [Read more...] about Depression Is Not My Boss