On my calendar, the appointment was for 8:30 AM today. My appointments have been every two weeks since the summer. I even scribbled it on the card from the last appointment the new date before leaving his office two weeks ago. So why is someone else in with my therapist, and I am waiting another…
Tag: concealed depression
I’m afraid I don’t know what I’m afraid of
One thing is for sure, I am afraid of dying. Even as I was driving to the emergency room this spring, my deepest fear was that I was more terrified of death than I was seeking professional help. And believe me, I was scared shitless about going to the hospital. After all, I was the…
Can I tell you the truth?
Today, I don’t feel like writing. However, I feel I need to write. This is how I am working out my relationship with depression. Through these blog posts, I am creating a balanced life for myself. So, on a day where I do not feel like writing, I also feel guilt. Why shouldn’t I just…
Where is the proof that “I am not enough?”
Why do I feel “I am NOT enough?” All I need is one more certification and then I can really be effective in my side business. Once I achieve my goal of going to the gym 5 times a week,, then life will be fine. When I have X number of dollars a month coming…
Three things I do to not be S.A.D. when I fall back
The days are getting shorter, that is clear. The shortest day of the year will be here in less than two months. Darkness comes in the mid-Atlantic states by 6 PM now, and the days are still getting shorter. In early summer, it wasn’t getting dark until almost 9 PM. What a difference. Seasonal Affective…
Afraid or not, life still marches forward
We are either moving forward or we are dead. There is no middle ground. Even when we feel nothing is happening, that what we are doing doesn’t matter, life is going on. My personal thoughts about my self-worth and my value, my contributions to society and the greater good, are done against this backdrop. Whether…
I’m spinning a lot of plates today
Who doesn’t get caught up in things occasionally? I am not bemoaning being busy. I chose that over retirement. Well, I chose busy over feeling anxious. Busy over wallowing in the depths of depression, busy instead of not being here at all. When I think of it that way, I have no room to bitch…
Coach Depression sent in the play, why can’t I execute it?
While I have never been an NFL Quarterback, I am a smart, intelligent person who has accomplished many things in my lifetime. Yet I am also the person who has major depressive disorder and spent 43+ years doing everything in my power NOT to face it, NOT to acknowledge that I had it, NOT to…
Getting help keeping it in the lane
Today I am scattered. There is so much on my mind, I am having trouble slowing things down. Getting to the most important tasks is what I need to focus on. I have a list in my head, which would be easier to manage if I had written it down. But I can’t seem to…
Feeling cloudy may only be seasonal allergies, not a relapse into depression
Boy do I feel silly. Two days ago, I woke up feeling cloudy. My head was not right. I was feeling unfocused and I just couldn’t get going. So, my mind jumps immediately to this must be the work of depression. Something must be going on. I must be relapsing. I am headed down the…
