I have gotten a myriad of things done today.
It is day two of my mini-vacation and I am more relaxed than yesterday. In fact, yesterday I was scattered all over the place.
Today, my list and my priorities are more aligned. Having purchased the tomato cages yesterday, putting them around the plants in the garden was an easy undertaking. Each day, the plants are bigger and stronger. Some are flowering and the beginnings of whatever vegetable they will become are starting to show.
Yesterday, thoughts of my depression filled my head.
Worse, I was in an all or nothing unhelpful thinking mode, creating the perception for myself that I will never get better. All I could see was more and more work, with less and less happiness. Most of today has been happy. Pleasant, at least, or maybe productive is more the word I am looking for. It is not about bad or good.
My goal is to lead a balanced life with depression.
Surrounding myself with SMART RECOVERY training, I am better equipped to handle the ups and downs of depression. As I face it, instead of concealing it, I am developing tools I am using to keep my life on track. Sometimes the tools work very well, other times not so good.
READ: If I Live Through This
Sadly, it is more how I am using the tools that create the less than stellar result, not the tools themselves.
Yes, I said it. I can do better. Some days all I can do is make it until bedtime. This makes me angry. I hate not being more productive, more on top of my life. But I accept that this is what I can do today. With some much-needed rest and some self-care time, I am better able to see the accomplishments instead of just what I did not do.
I started writing this yesterday, as I recorded my thoughts about my Super Saturday.
This morning yesterday is less significant. At this moment, Saturday is not standing out in my mind as Super. In fact, until the coffee kicks in and I get my wits about me, there is not much of anything kicking in. The satisfaction of a productive day is dashed. I am left with that darn rock and the same hill, just like every other day.
It is clear to me that this roller coaster life is not going to get me to a balanced life with depression.
I know that Thursday, I have an appointment with a new Psychiatrist. This is a chance to be completely honest about my recovery and my current condition. I am aware that I can slip into concealed depression when I am speaking to a member of the medical profession. Well, I have done that twice with my current Psychiatrist. Once, I called the next day and shared the real answer.
Reading the first few paragraphs that I wrote last night, I spent more time focusing on the day before, when things were not so focused, than on the productive Saturday.
Once again, unhelpful thinking has me minimizing any success, and maximizing any shortcomings, no matter how small. It is almost as if depression has a plan for me and I am constantly discovering it. I am always shocked by the unhelpful thinking depression tosses in my direction as if depression had other intentions.
Imagining ways to get me up against the wall, is depression’s forte.
And keeping secrets is important in depression’s overall plan for my life. The more I rely on depression advice and direction, the happier depression becomes. Never mind that it is killing me. I am just a pawn in its game with humankind.
Depression has competition today in the form of a global pandemic.
Covid-19 and coronavirus are spreading death and depression around the globe. Fear of the unknown has caused anxiety and depression for a wide segment of the population. Fear of death, millions losing their jobs, and months of self-quarantine and isolation are creating a huge segment of depressed people.
This situational depression will, for many, disappear when things begin to get back to whatever normal will be.
Am I jealous of that? Yes, I am. I will still have depression. Now I am incredibly grateful that most people will recover, their jobs will return, they will be able to go outside and have a more normal life again. I do not begrudge that for anyone. My life has been one of service to others. Without depressions slant on my life, I believe the facts back up that statement.
But depression always finds a way to have me minimize my helpfulness to others and instead maximize any situation where I did not give 100%.
I just went in and filled my coffee cup. The front porch is still in the shade and there is a cooler breeze than yesterday. I can feel the coffee kicking in and my body and mind waking up. Today will be another good day after all. I have a list of projects in my head, including organizing the trash can shed so all the plant care products are on a shelf above the generator.
I know, too many it sounds like work, but to me, it is 100% self-care and makes me happy.
There are still five days of vacation ahead of me and I want to make the most of them. I am going to get to work on the shelf for the trash can shed before the sun gets too high and things begin to heat up.
My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.
Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn. If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share.
I very much appreciate your comments.