There are other, more crude ways of expressing this.
The point is there are times when you need to do the right thing. And doing the right thing may be uncomfortable, or even feel impossible.
But it is still what needs to be done. Knowing that this is the thing to do doesn’t make doing it any easier.
I am dealing with two very intense situations right now.
Either one could be considered a ‘game-changer’ if it was being handled alone. But adding the second issue makes the day just a tiny bit more challenging. I am in the position of being a politician, trying to garner support and a coalition for the ideas I feel are most important.
I am not trying to decide the issue.
But I do want to give the person involved a chance to choose. This seems to be what has been missing from the discussion. Yes, there are things this person cannot do or decide. And there is almost universal agreement about that. But then there is the other question which we all gave tacit approval to without asking the person whom it would affect.
In the end, we cannot choose what is easiest for each of us.
We must choose what is best for the person who will live the decision. And separating these two ideas is what we are facing. How to make the right decision knowing that we are all human and we all have our own needs, too.
The choice we are making has a lot to do with our own self-care.
Each of us has our own lives outside of the one we share with this person. We are husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, business owners, and the list goes on. And each of us is entitled to our own personal self-care, the things we need to recharge our emotional batteries and give us the strength to get out of bed each day.
The final decision will, I imagine, have elements that each of use would rather not include.
But the final decision will be our best efforts to give this person not only what they need, but what they want. Balancing that against our own personal needs and self-care, is where it, and I am saying this over and over, is where it gets all tangled up.
Now throw in a second epic question of what is more important.
How do I choose between what is right for the group and what is right for myself? I have gotten out a Cost-Benefit analysis worksheet and really thought about the pluses and minuses of each choice.
This has been a great tool to give me some clarity in what the different choices will mean. With my second issue, I am feeling that I might be catastrophizing a bit, and not looking at the whole issue objectively.
All or nothing is what I initially came up with.
This was not helpful and was more of a distraction. Asking better questions, I can see that making a stand or quitting are not the only options. While they are options, they are extremes and only serve to agitate me, without giving me a concrete plan to move forward.
Happily, I am recognizing unhelpful thinking very quickly these days.
And asking better questions will help me get to the best answer. While each of these issues is a work in progress, I cannot control what others say and do. However, I can control what I think about it and frame my attitude in a way that helps the situation instead of escalating conflict or confusion.