I have let my self-care take a back seat to the events unfolding around me.
I’ve tried to send signals that something is not right. This includes saying to people “something is not right.” I’ve been writing about how I have had major trouble getting out of bed in the morning. This has been an issue since Thanksgiving and now it is January.
Recent days have found me with a dull headache that lasts all day.
Unexplained dizziness and a cloudy mental outlook round out my days. The symptoms seem to be more than just a cold. They appear to me as a problem I would like to correct. Yet, here I am writing about it and not acting.
It’s wonderful that I am my own best advocate.
Taking responsibility for my own actions, seeking the best professional help I can find. But what does that do for me if I cannot find the strength to advocate for myself. I do not seem to get beyond recognizing that there is a problem. Understanding who and what will solve it is keeping me stuck in this daily cycle of dullness.
I have put off talking to my Psychiatrist.
There seems to be a sense that he knows better than I do and that I just need to get up. But I cannot get up in the morning and have not been able to get up easily in almost two months. There seems to be something going on.
And I have allowed all the holiday activities and issues with others to cloud my judgment about me
Am I just using that as an excuse not to act? Probably. By putting my “serving others” hat on, I can justify not putting on my own oxygen mask before helping others. But I can only hold my breath for so long. Eventually, I am going to pass out and will not be able to care for myself or anyone else.
My feeble attempts to send up an SOS have been ineffective.
While it seems people are hearing the words coming out of my mouth, I am not making them understand how I feel about the situation. Not understanding what is going on, I am guessing, or even mind reading. I am allowing myself to “fortune tell the future.” This is skewing my reality about the situation and my ability to signal for help.
The abyss is not calling, and I am not having suicidal thoughts.
But I am not waking up ready to go and the days are becoming cloudier. Once again, I need to put on my “big boy pants” and start making phone calls. I can do this.
“I’m sending out an SOS.”
That’s the song in my head. Let’s see if I can get it to the right people.