But I really want to care.
Somehow, I need to jump-start my recovery again. All I seem to do is to be going sideways.
I am not allowing myself to be honest about what is going on inside me. This puts me back to being “evergreen,” not letting my depression show. I do this at a great cost to myself.
So, I am beginning to see how much damage depression can cause when I am not on top of it.
Already today I have squandered the time available to me, or so I think. The reality is, I have spent 15 minutes getting caught up on family goings-on, have paid the bills, hung out the bird feeders, and have put the first washed load of laundry in the dryer and started a second load in the washer.
Oh, and I had breakfast, which included slipping my dog a few honey nut cheerios.
But besides that, I have not done anything this morning. I am incredibly good at using unhelpful thinking to justify my not giving a hoot. Minimizing all that I have accomplished in just over an hour, I hear myself saying “You should be doing more, you lazy so and so.” This self-talk is mostly in the background, like a white noise you would turn on to drown out others sounds for sleeping.
Yet minimizing all that I have already completed thins morning is what I end up doing.
There is no victory dance for the many things I have already gotten done. No celebration that I have a job that allows me to pay the bills. There is no acknowledgment or thanks for the fact that I am not one of the 25+ million people in the US out of work because of the pandemic.
My mindset is on DULL, which is sliding me further back into concealed depression.
And to think, I was worried a few months ago that things were going along too well. I felt guilty for feeling more normal. I was on the way to leading a balanced life and then I began to feel that I did not deserve it. Now that is not what I say to myself, but internally, that is how I am feeling.
I am trying not to reward depression for getting me into concealment mode.
It has already worked to make me feel like I do not deserve success. My depression has once again snatched defeat, from the jaws of victory. Or the other way around. And I continue to let depression do that too me. Here is where I go down the shoulda, coulda, woulda trail. At least I recognize that unhelpful thinking style and draw the line. But often, it is already too late.
I plant the seeds of failure every time I go down that path.
Like weeds that want to take over my vegetable garden, I must be constantly tilling the ground to keep this type of thinking from establishing a foothold. Plucking a few weeds from the garden is easy but wait a while and weeding can be a full-time event.
Even as I work on this, I know what today will look like.
I will put on my “everything is fine” face and head out to work. I will masquerade as a trained professional without a care in the world. My staff will only see the most positive side of me that I can bring to the table. I will give them absolutely no reason to feel that I am anything but competent and in control.
They will never know that underneath, I am depressed and do not give a hoot.
My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.
Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, I am sharing what I learn. If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, please share.
I very much appreciate your comments.