For the past two hours, I have been me.
Not super happy or sad, just me. How is this possible? My depression had been keeping me from myself. The Prozac must have reached a saturation point in my system. Or the hand of fate moved it to the side. Or my decision this morning to block out chunks of time for my depression, and chunks of time to work, is working.
“Who the hell cares why?” It’s working and I’m me.
It wasn’t the easiest thing I have done recently, but I did get up with intention this morning. Maybe it was the shower or ironing my shirt. That old routine may be triggering positive endorphins. Maybe I should stop trying to figure out why and just continue to enjoy it.
Update: 5 Hours Later – The “I’m me” feeling is still going. There have been three times where I felt the “rabbit hole of despair” starting to appear. Each time, I stopped, took some deep cleansing breathes and let the feeling pass. This is marvelous.
I have made so much progress today on my project for next week. I am actually excited about it right now, not just going through the motions. I will not try to be a fortune-teller and predict what next week will bring when I present my workshops. But right now, “everything’s coming up Millhouse.”
Normal is defined as the usual, average, or typical state or condition. Eventually, what I am feeling now could be my normal. What an exciting possibility. To not have that knot in my stomach, that sense of pending doom that floats over me like Charlie Brown’s friend Pigpen who is constantly followed by a dust cloud.
Normal could once again be the anticipation of a coming event. It could be remembering that Sunday is Mother’s Day, or that my cousin’s birthday is coming up. Instead of an all-consuming distraction, I could begin to do for others again.
I am realistic enough to know the path forward is not a straight line. There will be ups and downs, unexpected things will come up, and not everyday will be like the past seven hours. But know that with all my heart, I am ever so grateful for this moment.
How do you define normal? What helps you feel normal? Please leave a comment, I am a sponge.