Lately, I am amazed at how much I must live for.
There have been times in my life where this wasn’t true. And times where all I could do was summon enough courage to get through the day. And times where I contemplated what it would be like to no longer have to push that same rock up the same hill.
I find myself this morning thankful for time.
Each time I am up against the wall, I have no concept of time. There is just me, the abyss, and my depression. At those points, time is lost as I circle the drain. There is no hope, no expectation of things in the future. In those states, I do not plan, and time stands still.
Currently, time is a wonderful thing.
I have time. There is no fighting it, no wishing or hoping, and no enduring of time. There is the realization that “I have time.” Yes, I say often, “I have depression, depression does not have me.” So having time may be a contradiction.
I have changed my attitude towards time.
It is no longer something I struggle with. When I am in the depths of depression, time drags on and on, and on. My thoughts at that time are of survival. Getting through enough of the day that I can justify going to bed is my goal. During these times, depression used time against me.
Right now, I am thankful for having time.
With a change in my attitude, I am grateful for having time. Being able to use time as a tool to learn more about depression has been helpful. And my new attitude towards time has given me the confidence to slow down.
Rediscovering time, I can set extremely high standards for its usage.
I am not the only one who cannot go to the bathroom without my cell phone. I tell myself I am multi-tasking. To justify this to me, I first check my work email, before trolling through random headlines, in search of bizarre stories.
So, there are some parts of having time that I need to work on.
But I am grateful for and thankful for the time I have. Being able to make plans is one sign to me that I am closer to living a balanced life with depression. Up against the wall, I am not able to plan. So when I work on my balanced life, it once again includes self-care.
Self-care is still a concept I am working on embracing.
There is time in my day for this, even if my version of self-care involves outdoor, physical work. There is time, because I choose it, to learn more about leading a more balanced life with depression.
And I now make time for the relationships that mean the most to me.
This has been the best part of my new relationship with time. Valuing the time I have with family, especially my wife, makes me so grateful. At the same time, I know it really angers depression that I am more focused on others than on it. But that is depression’s problem, not mine.