It is easy to live in the future. No one to bother you, everything is exactly as you imagine it and the grass is greener on your side of the fence. But I am finding out that living in the future has its costs. It is not free. And the price I am paying may…
Category: Unhelpful thinking
101 ideal activities for my new life with depression
As I make progress and hash out some of the underlying issues that have caused my depression to intensify at different times in my life, I am beginning to see the value of visualizing my new future. I asked for professional medical attention 5 months ago because I has lost my focus. I could NOT…
Why did I think that? I thought I was getting better.
Why do I suddenly feel the need to explain myself? I am almost five months out from my hospital stay for depression. That is almost five months of living with depression, of saying the word depression out loud, and keeping depression out in the open where I can see it. As I wrote the sentence…
I cannot get it back
I am so angry this morning. I cannot believe some of the decisions I have made in the past 43 years. It is infuriating to think that I have thrown away different opportunities that would have made significant changes in my life. My plan as I write this is to be mad at depression for…
My progress is my own business
How I stack up against others is not the issue. I end up “shoulding” all over myself when I think about others. Either I “should have helped,” “I shouldn’t have helped,” “I should have seen…” or “Why didn’t I see… ” What a cluster. There is no good answer, but there is plenty of pain…
Can I really take the weekend off?
I don’t know about this. Taking two days to spend with family visiting from out of town? Not going to my day job because I requested off. Not going into my home office and writing? Not worrying about mowing the south 40, or edging around the porch with the weed eater? How is that even…
What are you telling me and why should I care?
This is not how I like to feel. Yet last night, that is exactly what was going through my mind. It wasn’t “tell me more,” it was, “when are you going to shut your pie-hole?” I feel terrible admitting that I had these thoughts swirling through my head as the person was talking. You are…
You will never guess the new name I learned for my depression.
Keeping depression out in the open requires constant attention. Ignoring it, or worse, assuming I am “over it,” has dire consequences. As I learn to live with depression, I am learning more and more about how it works. I am learning how secretive it wants to be, and how tempting it can be to follow…
Why didn’t I know it’s a compass for living?
It’s easy to blame others. It’s easy for me to be defensive when someone I love questions my answer. My mind is often three to five steps ahead before the person even gets the entire sentence out of their mouth. I am time traveling and living in the future. It is a competition to get…
I got up this morning, the rest will be easy
The past 48 hours have been rough. Or at least that is how I framed it in my head. What really happened was my boss had me work three earlier shifts leading up to the holiday. Although I am more of a morning person, my body was getting used to the closing shifts. Getting home…
