Today, I don’t feel like writing.
However, I feel I need to write. This is how I am working out my relationship with depression.
Through these blog posts, I am creating a balanced life for myself. So, on a day where I do not feel like writing, I also feel guilt.
Why shouldn’t I just suck it up and write?
Afterall, that is what I said I was going to do. My plan has been to document my day-to-day journey with depression. The plan wasn’t to write “when I felt like it.” It was to journal my daily life and write about the challenges and successes I have.
Thinking back, I did have one other day where writing was not job #1.
Plus, there have been days each month where my schedule is booked from early morning, 6 – 6:30 AM, right up until 10 or 11:00 PM. With the best of intentions, I have not written on those days.
Making up for not writing, I heap on a dose of guilt or sometimes shame.
If this is so damned important, why can’t I do it 100% of the time? Why do I allow myself to not write for a day? Or flipping the question “Why am I not writing every single day?” READ: Am I asking the right questions?
That dreaded term that I hate. BUT, taking care of myself is what all my efforts are about. Making a conscious decision not to write on a given day is a form of self-care. I am doing what I need, for me to get the most out of my day. READ: Self care is hard work.
We are back to the airline analogy of putting on your oxygen mask before assisting others.
Now I am still working on the guilt and shame parts of not writing on certain days. This I will need to do more work on. There have been times where I can think about the upcoming day and make decisions about what I can and cannot do. On those days, I by-pass the guilt and shame and go straight to self-care.
Other days, like today, the guilt looms large and NOT writing seems almost a sin, a transgression, a selfish act.
This is all I will say today. I have decided that I will go to the polls and vote before my meeting, not afterwards. I do not want to miss my chance to have a say in the election’s outcome. Then it is off to my day job. Midnight will be here before you know it.
Do you feel guilt if you don’t do something you said you would do?