Am I asking the right question?

It is easy to live in the future.

No one to bother you, everything is exactly as you imagine it and the grass is greener on your side of the fence.

But I am finding out that living in the future has its costs. It is not free. And the price I am paying may not be worth the perks I am getting.

I am still a huge believer in my own abilities.

There have been many accomplishments over the past decades that I am responsible for. Having a plan, a vision, a written map for the future keeps me on track towards my goals. And those goals, it turns out, are fluid and changes with time.

For instance, after my latest round with major depressive disorder, my plan going forward includes more self-care. More paying attention to me, to getting my oxygen mask on before helping others. This has been a monumental shift in focus for me. It turns out wanting to know what my life will look like for the next 30 years is important, but maybe I am missing something?

Maybe I am missing what my life is actually like right now?

Being busy time-traveling into the future, I may be missing what is going on right now, right around me. The more I think about it, the more I know it is not “maybe I am missing” what’s going on around me. I am using an escape to the future to avoid what is going on right now.

Raza frazza, this is not good.

While there are many aspects of my new life with depression that are going well, being in the moment is often not part of what is working. Sitting on the porch this morning, coffee mug next to me, watching the sun begin to dry out the dew that set last night, I am pretty much in the moment. I have noticed the different types of clouds, how some are more solid towards the east and how there are streaking, less structured clouds towards the west.

The hummingbirds are asserting their individual control over the feeder next to the porch, often lurking in the tree some 20 feet away, watching for any competitor to attempt to eat from “their” feeder. The challenger is engaged at once, often I can hear their wings hitting each other. I am always impressed with their self-confidence as they battle each other.

Right now, I am in the moment.

The present has my full attention as I bask in the morning and all that is being served up for my pleasure. Nature is putting on a magnificent show just for me. I am the only one on the porch. I am the only one who will see these hummingbird battles or the neighbor’s dog as it passes on the driveway, appearing from the woods and disappearing down the lane heading home.

So, I can be in the present.

Then why am I avoiding it when it comes to certain subjects? Maybe this is the better question? What is causing me to avoid this subject? Heck, I cannot even write what I am thinking or write what the issue is I am avoiding. In my mind, I am carrying all these ideas in my head, but I am not even sure if they are real.

Living in the future makes it easy to avoid life and possibly making a decision that will have consequences for me and those I love. Now stop right there in your thinking. I am not considering ending my life. As I have said before, that option scares the living crap out of me. I want to live to be 100 and am too competitive.

But I am avoiding a part of my life that can be better.

I am avoiding asking the questions that will give me the “what does my future look like” a little more clarity. Just as it took me 43 years to finally face depression, to call it out, and say to the world, “I have depression, depression does not have me,” I will say what I am thinking.

But I am not ready to say it today.

I am chickening out, even as I know that I will eventually face it. I will live in the moment and allow myself to fully understand what my day to day life ACTUALLY looks like, and stop living in the “We’ll once this is all straightened out, my life will be…”