Five months of mostly cloudy.
My mind is not clear and crisp on most days. And for the first hour or two after I finally get up, my mind is the foggiest.
I am yawning, even though I have been in bed for over 8 hours. If that translated into 8 hours of sleep, my mornings might be different.
After I first fall asleep, I begin a cycle of waking up at 1 AM, 3 AM, 4:30 AM, 6 AM, and then hourly until I force myself into the morning.
I have spoken about this to my Psychiatrist. There was a lot of talk about Melatonin, and I did try that. However, my problem isn’t falling asleep. I do that very quickly after I turn off the light. My issue is actually staying asleep.
I am tired of writing about this whole problem of not feeling awake when I wake up.
But, like so many other aspects of my life, I am fitting this problem into my daily routine. I am accepting the problems that not being able to get up has presented, and I am working around them. This is the same way I have dealt with my depression for most of my life. It would toss out ideas, and I would feel obligated to take them on as my own, working them around my daily life.
Now, I am taking on the role of martyr for the cause.
READ MORE: Why can’t I make the call?
Telling my self that my doctors are too busy for my little problem, I downplay my needs for the greater good. Or that’s what I am hearing and seeing through depression tinted glasses. And the list of things I am tired of includes more than just not being able to get up and get going in the morning.
I am tired of:
- Having this dull cloud around my head. I envision the kid in the Charlie Brown comics with the dust cloud following him everywhere.
- Feeling sad. I know it is an emotion just like “glad, mad, angry,” but my scale seems tilted, and it feels like I am more sad than glad, that I am out of balance.
- Pushing away my Supporters. For many months, I was all over this, creating solid relationships with those who are on my team, those who want the best for me. Recently, I am pushing them away, just as depression had taught me years ago. This is not healthy or helpful.
- Clutter. I am carrying it around in my head and acting it out in my office and closet. Even my piles have piles. In the past few days, I have made a major effort to reduce my clutter, and this has allowed me the ability to get my tax information collected.
- My mind doing the same unhelpful things. Maybe it is progress that I recognize when I am using an unhelpful thinking style, but I am still using them. My ability to catch them is waning right now and that is creating havoc with me and my interactions with others, especially my support group.
- The uncertainty caused by recent global events. I must remind myself that I cannot control events. However, I can control my attitude towards them. Since my hospital stay last year, this has been a success story for me, as I stay off the “should a, would a, could a” highway. Yet it is only one thought away from taking over my mind. I am tired of having to fight this every single day.
- Not accepting myself. I am so very hard on myself, setting a standard that is light years beyond what I would expect out of anyone else. And when I do not achieve perfection, I take that as a sign I am not a valuable person. This is getting very old. And I am tired of having to spend much energy reminding myself of my value, not as a title, but just me, by myself, flaws and fantastic abilities combined into me.
I start with my new in-network therapist on Wednesday.
I want to be optimistic about the change, but all I see this morning is more work, and I am getting tired of that. But I know myself well enough to understand that I will go to the appointment and do the work required. Even if I do not give myself credit, at some level I know I get things done.
If I could add one more thing, I am tired of, it would be not writing.
Lately, other things have pushed and shoved their way into my head, grabbing my attention and keeping me from writing. OK, I am giving these things more attention and significance that am giving myself. When I do not write, I do not grow. Writing is one of my best self-care activities. When I miss even two or three days, it is like a lifetime.
Making a list of the things I am tired of is my way of getting them out into the open.
Depression wants me to just suffer in silence and not make a big deal about what it perceives to be important actions I should (or shouldn’t) be taking. It likes it when my head is cloudy, and my sense of self-worth is in the toilet.
Today I will focus on valuing myself, as I am, tired or not.
My concealed depression is written under the alias “Depression is not my boss.” I have certifications in SMART Recovery and am a Global Career Development Facilitator.
Last year, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.