Focusing on the one thing I could control, I decided to look at my attitude towards the weekend.
On Friday, I had decided to understand how I needed to think if I was going to relax and enjoy the day.
It was clear that I normally would be stressed out about not doing things I was thinking about because family was visiting. Having company requires a change in attitude.
I understand it is not about me.
Knowing this, I thought about my morning routine and how that would change with family staying with us for the weekend. I made a list of the things I wanted to do in my head and then reminded myself that I will still be able to do them later. I made a list of what I had to do, even with family staying at our house, i.e. taking my medicine, bringing in the bird feeders so the bears don’t raid them overnight, and a few other things.
This freed up my mind to focus on my family and enjoy their visit.
I am so thankful for yesterday. We had 14 people around our dining room table for dinner. I got to visit and talk about all kinds of experiences. Part of the family gathering was a birthday party, complete with bringing out the “baby book” and reliving that first year. Today there will be another get together with family. We will be driving to pick up family, then heading to lunch. Another chance to visit, learn and share.
Five months ago, I would not have thought this was possible. I could not see a way forward as depression had me in a death spiral. My vision of the future had shrunk to the point I could not see that there would ever be a way I would enjoy life.
Finally facing depression, I made a choice to have a different outcome.
And that has made my future possible. With time, my daily Prozac, weekly therapist appointments, Peer Advocate supporters, On-line research, SMART recovery meetings, WRAP plan and the books I have purchased and read have given me an entirely new outlook on life.
I have always put on a brave, I can do-it face to the public, but the reality of much of my life has been different. Concealed depression, high-functioning depression or major depressive disorder, whatever you call it, kept me from truly enjoying life for over 40 years.
Learning the tools to keep depression from being my boss is helping me have experiences like yesterday. I really enjoyed being with family. I was present in the moment, not trying to get to the future, or living in the past. This was a new experience for me, or at least something I have not done in a long time.
I was present, in the moment, enjoying my family. So, I will say it again, “thank you.”